Blog Pad - It Does Take A Village

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Date Written: 07/01/2006, Date Updated: 10/26/2006

IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE

Republicans who want to return civility to the political process should start by admitting they made a mistake in ridiculing the saying "It takes a village to raise a child," simply because it was popularized in this county by Hillary Clinton. Differences of opinion may exist as to what part government should play in raising children, but the basic meaning of the proverb should not be a subject of debate. Most simply put it means that it is the duty of every adult to try to be a good influence on children. Our society is already suffering because too many adults have been shirking this responsibility at its most elementary level, and our politicians should not be making it easier for them to continue avoiding one of the responsibilities that is essential to the health of a community.

What is that elementary responsibility? It is the responsibility that comes with our day to day contact with children. It starts with trying to set a good example for every child with whom we come in contact. This includes teaching courtesy and respect by being courteous and treating both children and other adults with respect. To be quite truthful the way many public personalities have been responding to other adults that disagree with them is abysmal and teaches our children that it is acceptable to belittle and apply vile adjectives to those who disagree with them. They see adults belittling adults over matters that may be too complicated for children to understand and the children think is it alright to belittle and/or insult an adult or peer who disagrees with them about simple matters of taste such as music or clothing.

When insult extends to an entire group it teaches children that it is all right to show disrespect to a member of that group that may be part of their families or communities. The most horrendous example of this that I can think of is that many politician and pundits have for some been suggesting that single mothers are not worthy of any respect simply because they are single mothers. What does this teach the children of single mothers, including those single mothers who have done an admirable job of providing for their children and trying to teach them the values that will make them good citizens?

I have dwelled on the subject of teaching our children courtesy and respect because these virtues are essential if a democracy. be it representative or otherwise. is to survive. As a nation our prime responsibility to our children is to teach them to become good citizens, and in a democracy it is essential that citizens respect the right of others to disagree and to show this respect by being courteous to those who may disagree with us. Without that respect we risk descending into oligarchy or dictatorship. That said, I will proceed to the other responsibilities we as individuals have towards the children within our communities and neighborhoods.

We all have the responsibility to help children learn by trying to answer their sometimes end-less questions about what we are doing, and, if feasible, letting a child help with an activity that has roused a his or her curiosity. This of course assumes that we are responsible adults who do not engage in inappropriate activity in the presence of children.

Day to day responsibility toward children includes attempting to make sure our own actions do not harm a children directly or indirectly. Fortunately, relatively few people would intentionally harm a child directly or risk the indirect harm that could come from leaving dangerous objects where children might find them, but we should be equally mindful of the possibility of indirect harm that could result from our daily actions.

Those of us who make our livelihood though activities that touch upon the lives of children must be particularly careful we do not place our own desire for personal comfort and security above the well-being of a child. People who have chosen careers that place them in the public eye must remember that their public persona is real to thousands and even millions of children who are unable to distinguish between reality and showmanship. The numerous adults who make money through activities that appeal to children must remember that their actions can harm or enhance the lives of children they never see. Intentionally using the immaturity or fears of children simply to make a buck without regard for the effect our actions have on the children should only be less offensive to us than the more obvious and totally repugnant forms of child exploitation.

We should not let a child come to harm through inaction. There is, of course, the responsibility to not ignore abuse of a child by another adult, but equally important is the responsibility of an adult to protect a child from his or her own inexperience or foolhardiness when an adult sees a child do something dangerous. Most frequently, we can do this by verbally attempting to get the child to stop the dangerous activity. In more extreme cases where life or limb is in imminent danger, we may actually have to physically restrain a child, or if this is not feasible, inform authorities better equipped to handle the situation. In any event, we should, if possible, inform the child's parent(s) about the incident.

Children must learn that they can't getting away with doing something wrong just because Mommy or Daddy can't see or hear them. They won't learn this if other adults do not take the responsibility of correcting a child who does something inappropriate in their presence. It may be something as simple as telling a youngster to pickup the candy wrapper he or she dropped on the sidewalk, or telling kids to tone it down when their "fun" is intruding on another person's privacy. This too should be followed by talking to the child's mother or father about their offspring's behavior.

Each of us has the responsibility to teach children to admit and accept responsibility for their mistakes. We can do this best by admitting our own errors. We can also do this by reacting calmly and cooperatively when a parent shows up at the door with a child in tow so the child can apologize and if possible make amends for a wrongdoing of which we may not yet even be aware. Many years ago, it was just such a reaction by a neighbor, that strengthened my effort to teach my child that despite good intentions she had made a mistake. It turned what could have been an unpleasant incident for both of us into a fondly remembered experience. "Thank you, Mrs. Woodward, for understanding that my daughter did not know she was doing something wrong when she picked all those iris for her mother."

Such simple things are part of the meaning of the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." If the village does not do its part it makes it more difficult for a good parent to raise a child who will become a good neighbor and responsible adult, because even the best of parents cannot monitor every moment of their child's existence. Also, if the village does not do it part, some parents may never learn that they are allowing their child to engage in behavior that is not condoned by the rest of the community.
The latter, of course bring us to the realization that fulfilling our responsibility to children is not always easy. Sometimes we may encounter parents who disagree with us about the appropriateness of a child's behavior. When this happens we may have allow for differences of opinion, or we may simply have to insist that the parent teach the child to respect the rights and opinions of others by not saying or doing specific things in our presence.

If neither of the above solutions is amenable to both the child's parents and the neighbor, the possible causes and solution to such an irreconcilable difference are too myriad and complex to be dealt with here. I mention the possibility because I think that too often it is our fear of encountering such complexity that makes us ignore our responsibility to children other than our own, but the consequences of allowing that fear to prevent us from fulfilling our responsibility are no less severe than other more selfish reasons. We fail to teach both our own and other children what it means to be part of a community, and the community fails to do that will not survive.

Let us have respectful debate about how we answer the question, "What does the community do when it sees children who are hungry or ill-clothed or lacking decent shelter or education, or otherwise lacking proper care?" It is a question that must answered because children become adults, and the community that does not let all its children know their community cares about them will, in one manner or another, eventually become the victims of the children it failed. It may be too late for some of our older children, but if we all start fulfilling our day to day responsibility to our younger children fewer of them will become the kind of teenagers and adults that the rest of the community needs to fear.

Whether we call it, a community or a neighborhood, whether it involves limited or extensive government participation, it does take a village to raise a child to be part of the community.